one day at a time

Be aware, I am in a foul mood. I wish people would leave me alone and stop talking to me today.

 

Paperwork is in as of two days ago. Proposal signed and delievered by hand. Got a chance to catch up with Nicky (my IVA supervisor), she is very understanding lady and was happy to talk to me and calm me down, I was a nervous wreck. Meeting to be held 7th March, may just be a postal vote.

 

I feel so weird I cant begin to explain to you. I am going from super bouncy happy to complete mental case. I swear I have lost the plot… the wait is going to drive me crazy. I am totally incapable of dealing with stress at the moment. My Lupus has flared up yet again. If you know Lupus, you know what I mean. Stress is biggest trigger ever.

 

Things are work are so so… I am being kept very busy by my manager because I wanted too. But colleagues think I am trying to score brownie points… far from it. I just wanna be left alone to get on with it. Its not my fault my manager sees me as number one in my department…

 

Had a nasty phone call from credit card company… this after they promised not to call again (see last blog) after I explained about the IVA. I was duped by them. They asked for a one pound goodwill payment to leave me alone until IVA resolved, so I paid with my card. And then they say that on the 28th they will be taking the payment missing (£379) from my account… I had just explained that I could not afford it. They know I get paid on the 25th. They tricked me. I know I owe the money, but the way they are dealing with me is appalling… I wish I could name and shame, I am so angry!!

 

Today my bank has been trying to get hold of me. Had a text from them to say that I have no money left in the account… I know… because I took as much as I could out before the account was frozen. Naughty perhaps but how else am I suppose to survive until payday? Hubby has been with bank for over 30 years, and me 15… I do feel guilty.

 

Oh I am so fed up. I am so tired.

 

Hubby has been absolutely wonderful, still cant make me giggle but he’s being supportive. He actually managed to sort out all our direct debits to the new account. I was so surprised I was left speechless. Not even I, super dupper administrator, could have sorted it out that quickly!

 

My Sooty is not too happy at the moment… wish I could make him smile. (thinking of you sooty!), but he’s still there for me, how special he is. Wish he could realise that he is one in a million…  Bear is well, Bear. He’s still doing good. Sometimes chat gets weird, like we have nothing else to chat about, and then it picks up again and the giggles start. Don’t know what that is all about. I am just glad we are sort of talking. He can still make me giggle. He surprised me again yesterday. He asked how it was going with the IVA.

 

I am sat at my desk wondering how I and hubby will cope with no credit. Will we ever be able to visit the farm in the next five years? What happens if something goes wrong with the cars? The capacitor or something like that just went wrong in my car, had to get another one. On credit card. What would have happened if we were in the IVA?

 

I think I am working myself up into a complete mental breakdown… or a large box of chocolate and a bottle of wine.

 

I don’t know anymore. I feel completely lost and yes, I am scared.

Right, so where was I? Oh yes… waiting to hear back from my IVA office. Spoke to Nicky yesterday, she will be emailing the proposal to me soon.

 

I dont think my heart can take this. I am nervous just from the thought that Nicky is going through my paperwork. What must she think of me? She is quite sure that IVA will go trough OK, may just have issue with gym membership… which I got a health referral for… need to loose weight and keep fit. Its easier then to deal with what the LUPUS throws my way.

 

I had a flare up last week. The stress of the Uni situation and the thing with Bear were getting to me. Big time. But somehow, neither is affecting me at the moment. University wise I will come up with something else. I need to study. I need to do something with my life. I know I can help people. There is one job I could go for, and I have been toying with the idea for years since gaining my Psychology degree… but knowing me as well as I do, and knowing I always take other peoples problems home with me…. perhaps being a social worker isnt for me. The wish is there. The want to help. But I worry how I would handle other peoples problems and misery… Saw a programme about social workers last week, Annie is my idea of a good social worker and what happened to her? She went off sick for two weeks.

 

So what to do? I think I am just going to study all I can for the next five years. Stay where I am and keep quiet. I dont know…. my mind is not settled. I am very much all over the place right now.

 

Friends wise, sister is unwell at the moment… she has super serious medical condition and I do worry about her lots. Sooty is my Sooty. What a great and funny guy he is. We been talking lots about everything and doing this is helping me cope better with everything. I am so glad he’s in my life.

 

Bear has surprised me big time. In the last three days he’s come back to his old self, funny, warm and caring. The giggles he causes are a thing to be seen. I swear I revert to a younger self… its like we are two 12 years old kids, just plain silly… I do hope it continues. Its funny how he can make me forget all the stress and the bad stuff in my life… cause all we do is talk about stupid stuff!!

 

I am happy at work today. I have loads of work to catch up on as I spent yesterday just chatting and giggling… I do love what I do, even though the pay is not good at all… but that’s the NHS for you!

 

I cant wait to get the proposal from Nicky…. Oh I nearly forgot to tell you! Had another call from nasty credit card man. I was so scared. My heart was thumping away and I wasn’t sure how to handle it. So I took a big breath and I told him that in were in dire financial circumstances and that we were entering into an IVA. I swear to you I could sense his jaw hitting the floor. He went very quiet… I started shaking… and then he said, OK  thank you for telling me. Keep us informed of what happens. We will put a stop to the phone calls… I was dumbfounded. I could have kissed him. I was lost for words. I sort of still am.

 

So, all in all its all good… apart from dentist trip that is going to cost me nearly £200… all because I was trying to save money on dentist bills in the last three years. Well, that taught me a lesson!!

 

Catch you all soon. I really do need to get some work done today.

 

Warm hugs to you in this cold, snowy day.

 

xxx

Hi everyone…

 

IVA status as of today, paperwork with IVA office. Should have heard something by now but all is quiet… I am taking that as a good thing. No news also means no bad news… talk about being optimistic!!

 

I have started to be frugal, buying most of my food on special offer, clothes only from sales and have visited a few charity shops. I am surprised that I am actually enjoying the challenge of living on a tight budget. I think I can do this.

 

Only one oops. We missed a credit card payment and because of that our DD was cancelled. We are one payment behind and yesterday I received a very NASTY phone call. I have never been put into that much preassure before. Guy wanted payment there and then. 15 Minutes of non stop preassure. I nearly cracked. What he doesnt know is that I dont have the money to pay him… If he calls again I might just tell him to go where the sun doenst shine… he really was a nasty piece of work.

 

Friends wise, well… I am glad I have Sooty. He’s proved time and time again hes a good friend. Bear on the other hand, what can I say? He keeps confusing me. The coldness he radiates has I think finally put a sort of stop to the friendship. He will always be special to me but now its time I only have friends with me that care and take the time to check on me, to talk to me and to answer when I  get in touch… Self perservation kicking in I guess.

 

Hubby…. what can I say…. hes been doing OK this last week. We actually giggled yesterday watching Mrs Browns boys. And hes been showing concern for me … so far so good. He is a very good man at heart.

 

Went to London yesterday for a Uni open day… my dream is to become a doctor. Even though I was told that the part time course I need is more hours than I can afford to take off work I still went along…

 

So good news… its actually only two evening a weeks and saturdays… I was delighted. Also, course (pre-med) price was OK, £1,200. I could do that. I was going to sell car… was in the midst of planning and dreaming.

 

So I sat down with the course tutor to get more info… yes yes all correct. All good but wait… course price has increased… to £5,600.

 

Yeap. that has well and truly done it this time. I cant get a loan or grants has I already have a degree (which I paid for myself with no loans or grants). So thats that.

 

You know whats funny? You can actually hear it when ur heart breaks…

 

But u know what? I am sat at my desk planning my next move. I am smiling. Wait…. could that be the funny tablets I am taking?

 

I am so completely overwhelmed at this moment with so much going on with my life I dont know what to feel, think or do… I just want to get the IVA sorted ASAP.

 

One more week down… see u next Friday. Enjoy ur weekend

 

XXX

IVA and what it means to me…

 

Dear IVA reader

 

My name is Mia and I am in trouble. Due to life’s ever changing circumstances myself and hubby have got our self into debt and as time goes by we are losing the battle with it. So I have taken the step of applying for an IVA…

 

So who am I? Not sure really. Life is so complicated right now I feel I am losing who I am. Long gone is the bubbly, friendly Mia… she has been replaced by a nervous wreck, mind you, I still have my giggly moments.

 

My life consists of a hubby, two insane dogs, a rented little bungalow, a farm in Portugal and only a handful of close friends…   I work for well, rather not say, but if u visit a hospital you may see me.

 

So, back to IVA. Status today is that I am gathering all the paperwork to be delivered next Monday to our IVA agency. In four weeks we should find out if we got it. The possibility of it not being accepted is constantly on my mind, even now as I am at work busy typing away (she sniggers…) the possibility is forefront on my mind. What would we do? Go bankrupt and loose everything that we have? I don’t think so. Somehow we would have to find another option, somehow…

 

My marriage…. well, as most here I am sure the stress of insolvency has affected their marriage, as it has mine. I dread to think hubby will read this, but the truth will be told. My marriage is not doing well. Hubby blames me solely for the mess we are in. I am dealing with the IVA alone, even though its for the both of us. Unfortunately he can not give me what I need the most to be able to cope. He cant make me giggle. A giggle goes a long away to relieve the stress with me… but he’s the kind of man that doesn’t smile or laugh. Everything is always serious. One thing I will say, he does look after my health, he works hard (harder than anyone I have ever meet), he is intelligent, handsome and it truly was love at first sigh…

 

Real Friends… I have my sister, Norris, Doris, Sooty and Bear (wont use their real names). That’s it… but even that is going terribly wrong… I am losing Bear, he means a lot to me but he cant be the friend I need him to be. He pushed me away a long time ago and I cant forgive him and now I have done the same, but he is the only person in this world that can make me giggle when I am at my darkest… He has kept me sane when I thought I was losing it, but no more. Its all gone very wrong and losing him is hurting me… it just wasn’t meant to be. That’s what I keep telling myself.

 

Norris and Doris are a double act, funny and I can talk to them. I am just sorry I don’t see them often..

 

Sooty is special. I can talk to him and he always listens. Any time of the day I know he’s there for me and that means a lot. We try to help each other with life’s issues. He always has a warm and kind word to me, something which I don’t get much of these days. I think, no, I know, in him I have a friend for life. My sister is lovely, she’s the one I have most fun with. I spend hours and hours with her on the phone and at times we get really silly, giggles galore, talking nonsense. She knows about my IVA and I know she is there for me HOWEVER, after something that Bear told me yesterday I have decided to keep my moods, unhappiness and stress to myself. As I am at the moment I do not make a very good friend, so I am relying on this blog to keep me sane, whatever sane might be… This way I will keep the friends I do have.

 

Back to IVA, what would it mean to me if I was accepted? It would mean freedom. It would mean that in five years time I can do whatever I want. It would mean not have to constantly worry about our debt. It would mean living every month with enough money for food. It would mean keeping to a budget (I enjoy challenges!!). It would mean GETTING MY LIFE BACK. It would mean GETTING ME BACK.

 

Today is the start of a new beginning. Keeping it all to myself. Put a smile on my face and just say all is well and good… Perhaps writing about my experiences will make me less unhappy and I wont be such a bad friend and wife.

 

All I want is to ride this bad wave and have a giggle while doing it… why cant I?

 

Enjoy your day, warm hug

 

xxx