My insane life and my IVA

Money still missing

Princess — Fri, 11 May 2012 08:08:31 +0000

Morning peeps

IVA talk first. So, as you well know I was very angry last time I posted. I am still a bit angry but getting better. I have been waiting for my last payment that was send to the wrong account (Metro bank gave my IP incorrect bank account number) to be refunded as well as the over-time. Its been about 9 days now and the money is still missing. I have spoken to IP office and they know I am not to blame and if the money can not be found its the banks fault and they will have to pay it!!

I have been on IVA for two months now and still no money in my IVA account…. The first returned payment was spent because i did not realise it was sent back to us… so yes, we aren’t doing well at all. I think this frugality thing is going to take me a bit longer to learn. To be honest with you, I haven’t taken a good control of the budget. So much seems to be happening at the same time, so many problems, so many changes that I am overwhelmed at the moment.

Oh and I still haven’t worn my dream shoes….

Hubby and I are still the same. I am keeping my distance and just smiling and saying yes. He had a go at me for spending too long on my phones chatting and my immediate thought was ” well u never bloody talk to me!!” which he doesn’t. He spends his time in front of the PC when he is at home, but god forbid I should talk to people via instant messenger. I am just supposed to sit there and talk to no one while I get ignored at home. Great. Not. So, no changes there.

Sooty has been quiet lately… and I am afraid I may have been a bad friend as I haven’t checked on much on him lately, although we do still talk most days… I must make more of an effort with him, after all, he is my only sane friend!!

And now for the insanity in my life… Bear and Danny. Those two are just arghhh!!!

Danny. Something bad happened. I saw the dark side of Danny and I didn’t like it. I have warned him if it happens again I will end the friendship. Not much point in getting to details, but I now realise he is insecure and scared that I am going to hurt him. He is smart when it comes to taking care of others and making them feel happy, but hopeless when it comes to himself. He is a dear friend and I like spending time with him, but I will not accept being treated badly by him or anyone else. Not anymore. I have learnt my lesson.

He apologised and is trying to make things better, but I have told him for the time being I need to pull away a bit. I care for him a lot but since the thing with Bear I am finding that I can easily switch off from people, is that a good thing?

We talked quite a bit yesterday and he was very sweet and warm… he kept apologising in his own way. We ended the chat with a hug and lots of smiles, he was happy and so was I. I do hope we will work out because I will never again find someone like him that cares so much for me and my well being. Everyday he asks me is the nasty Lupus is bothering me, how I am, if I am ok. He is always concerned about me and my health. Its only Hubby and family that do that for me, and now Danny.

Bear. Bear is on drugs for sure, or perhaps its all that coffee getting to him. Or he has been replaced by an alien in a Bear skin suit. Since last week he has been saying hello first nearly every day. And whats more surprising, he does it when he is off work and at home. Something he has not done in over 9 months… this is getting weirder and weirder by the day… Not only does he say hi, but hes been causing some absolutely mental giggles that have nearly got me into hot water at work!! Even as I think about it I start giggling… WTF??

I was worried I may start caring deeply for him again but I haven’t. I enjoy his company and the giggles, but I am keeping one foot behind me ready to run away as soon as he turns cold again. I am expecting it and this time I will not be caught out. There is a question I would like to ask, why he is back. What changed his mind and why is he buzzing lots, but I daren’t. I know him and I know I will just get ignored and that may hurt me. So I don’t ask. Wont ever ask. I will just enjoy the giggles and keeping myself safe and ready to run. I can cope with that.

So that’s that. IVA still to be sorted. Me very tired. I am thinking about going completely quiet on everyone during my three week holiday. For the first time ever I am thinking about me and my needs. Not what others want. Would that make me a bad friend?

Funny thing my life isn’t it? I know you are confused. I am just as confused as you.

Time to start taking control of finances. Will let you all know how it goes next week.

Lots of hugs

Keep happy, keep safe, keep on chilling!!

Xxx

F**king marvellous!!

Princess — Sat, 05 May 2012 23:39:59 +0000

Well isn’t this just f**king marvellous, my IP gave the wrong account number in which to pay my IVA monthly payments. Bloody wonderful right??

Over £1000 worth of payments and overtime. First months payments were refunded to us but I didn’t notice, so here I was thinking we were doing ok as we seemed to have just about enough money!!! Last two payments still to be refunded. This is just f**king great on top of all the shit going on in my personal life.

I have so had it!!!! I’m beyond angry!! I am bloody furious!

Got harassed on FB by very nasty family members who decided to pick on me just for FUN! I soon got that f**king sorted! NOBODY calls me a liar and expect to get away with it!

Right, fook it. Seeing as I am at it here goes…

Danny is doing my head in at the moment. He can’t decided what he wants or how he wants it. He keeps changing his mind and he is confusing me big time. I have no idea where I stand with him. Just when I thought being family was good enough he decides it isn’t. I adore him but if he’s not careful I will pull away.

Bear is either on drugs or constantly drunk or his girlfriend has lost interest. He has actually buzzed completely unexpectedly this week several times. And what’s more scary he was actually nice. But u know what, the button is still OFF!! I know this niceness won’t last or as soon as I let my guard down he will be back to his old self. I’m so not going down that road.

I don’t get that the hell is going on with those two.

IVA payments to be sorted soon. I need to go through our budget and tighten the belt even more.

Its nearly one am and still no sleep for me. Great. Not.

Catch you all soon with an update.

Hope u have a better week than me.

What a week : (

Princess — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 14:50:13 +0000

Right, so much as happened I don’t know where to start… well, lets talk IVA, after all, that is why we are all here!

So, as my last blog implied, I feel that I have let myself and everyone else down. I had to use savings account money to cover two bills (its stupid really, its what the money is there for!!) and we ended the month with only £23 in the account…. I was so so so annoyed, especially as I spent £20 on myself.

You would never guess what I did… I bought my dream shoes… it happened. Went back to the store, and this time they were reduced to £20. I was feeling so miserable and so down that I bought them. I got in the car afterwards and I just burst out crying. I love those shoes but who was I fooling into thinking that I needed them? £20!! I will have to make up for it this month, not that I need to money wise, but for my own sake. So no nothing of nothing for me this month. And guess what? I can not bring myself to wear the shoes!! I bet you anything that I will still have them at the end of my IVA.

Hubby and I have not been doing good. Things are bad. I cant deal with it and at times his attitude just scares me. But I have made some decisions and I will bide my time to see what comes from them. I cant deal with it anymore. On Saturday I had to go to the bank, this was after a huge bust up, and all I could think of was where could I go to hide, to be alone. Planning on leaving, how would I cope, where would I live? I know he would be better off without me. I know there is nothing left there anymore. Its all so very done. Funny though, it was a certain little devil called Bear that kept making me giggle while I was in town and that helped me to relax that day…

Danny and I are doing better than well. Not only have things been simplified between us but we are closer than ever. We are almost like family now. We kinda adopted each other. Its better that way. He still makes me very happy and puts a smile on my face every day. I know his good and his bad moods. I can read between the lines very well with him. I know he cares for me. Its really that simple. He’s been helping me to calm down and put things into prospective and I have been helping him to organise the job search and other things. There isn’t a single day that goes by that we don’t talk. I am so grateful and glad to have him in my life. He really is one of a kind. Then again, so am I!! LOL

Bear. Things seem to have improved a bit. I have spent the last week wondering if he realises its me he’s talking to. He’s been doing good with chat. He has buzzed a couple of times as well. This isn’t normal behaviour from him. But!! Just incase you think my OFF button is now ON, he said something that not only super glued the button to OFF, but welded it, nailed it and poured concrete over it, one sentence at the end of a silly chat, “does *** care if you have?” And it was like a light bulb just went on in my head and I thought, “actually no, you don’t care in the least do you?”

So, whatever little danger there may have been, was most definitely killed off by that sentence… bless him, he doesn’t even know!! So, neither he or I care anymore, which in my books is all good. I get the care and warmth I need from Danny. Bear gives me the insane giggles. So sorted. And as a side note, I am sure he has a new interest in his life, he’s so obvious poor thing…. and I am sure he is chatting out of guilt. But frankly I don’t care anymore. We chat and we giggle and I always keep on the back of my mind the fact that him and I are now mere acquaintances and not much else. Gosh… aren’t I doing well? LOL

I have been having lots of up and downs. Been unwell as per usual. Weight has stabilised and I am not happy about that, so new diet starts, eat even less than before. That may work. Work is insanely busy and home is well, poo. I have three weeks holiday coming up soon. I cant wait!!

So, that my insane life. IVA still on track, second payment has been sent. Got some overtime money to send as well. Friends still there, some closer, some more distant, but I am glad I have them all. And Dorris and Norris are returning to same office I work in, so lots and lots of fun to be had there!! Am looking forward to having the girls here…

Time for home now. Danny is waiting to chat.

Keep safe, keep warm, keep happy

Hugs xxx

Life cant get much more complicated than this…

Princess — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 22:23:28 +0000

This is Bad, with a capital B…Nearly got sucked in into the Bear vortex once again… he buzzed again yesterday out of the blue. I was so shocked that I asked him if he knew who I was, was he aware it was me he was talking too. He was. What is going on there????

At the same time Danny buzzed me as well (and Sooty the little devil!!), so I had a few minutes of being very popular… and no it wasnt fun. Danny noticed something was up, if he finds out I am talking to Bear again he will hit the roof…

Well, Bear was suppose to have said hello today but he didnt, so I did… and thats when it hit me. Fook, here we go again. So, I am making sure that off button stays OFF. I need to be careful here. I will not go down that road ever again.

Danny is not too happy right now, dont know whats going on there. Today was quite bad. I luv him to bits but at times like this I dont know how to help him, to support him. I think last week and all the issues he had are finally catching up with him. He was so disconnected. I am now weary… I promised to call and text but I havent. I turned phone off, and next I am turning BB off… I really do not need all this.

Money wise, I have let down myself big time. I will update you Friday, I have let down everybody.

I cant sleep again.

Hugs xxx

Quick update

Princess — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 17:32:33 +0000

Bear eventually buzzed and surprised me. what is going on with him? This isn’t the behaviour I was expecting from him.

I’m confused. I am at a loss. Does he miss the friendship?

Down the slippery slope

Princess — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 11:02:53 +0000

Well, I am not a happy bunny. I had managed to put some money aside but somehow I have had to dip into it to pay a few bills and now we only have £100 for the next five days, which should be fine, but I am not going to say anything to OH. We still have some money in the savings account, but only half of what we had last week… still, we have savings, which is good, but I am not happy. I am going to tighten the belt even more next month. I can do this. I will do this. But I will not involve OH, what for? All I get is grief and arguments…

Yeah, we had a huge bust up this week. And I mean massive. He wont accept fact that we have some money in the savings account, he accused me of not paying the bills, when they are all paid by DD, he’s still acting like its the end of the world and its all my fault. His negativity is having a profound effect on me.

That same day, right after the bust up, I spoke to Danny. I just open up the flood gates, told him how unhappy and frustrated I am and how I sometimes do want to leave. He told me to move to America, he offered all the help I would need. A new start. A new life. We talked for hours and hours that day, and its scary, he meant every word… talk about confusing me… a lot was discussed and I am still trying to adjust to this and sorting stuff out in my head. All I know is that I am not happy and I am very tired. I thought the IVA would fix my marriage, but you cant fix what’s inevitably broken.

I so need to get away for a while, its all getting to much.

Danny and I are doing very good. He’s been going through some tough stuff this week, but I am proud to say that with my help he’s been dealing with it in a better way, and what’s more important, he asks for my help and advise. He talks to me and he listens to what I have to say. He will be OK as soon as his personal issues are resolved… he will be settled in life finally, and I am glad I can be there for him and he says I am a positive influence in his life. He brings a smile to my face every day, after all, when I read emails from him they usually start ‘Sweet princess’… yeah, I am hooked. When I need cheering up all I have to do is read his emails.

Bear made initial contact twice, so yesterday I returned the favour and contact him. I wasn’t expecting the conversation to take the path that it took. I couldn’t sleep last nite partly because of it. I don’t understand him anymore. He keeps changing his mind. I don’t know what to think or where I stand with him. I told him yesterday to buzz me today and guess what, he hasn’t. Am I surprised? No, not really. Do I care? No I don’t. Why? Because I was expecting it. So now I leave it until he decides to get in touch again. No offense to him but I have way to much on my mind and my heart to be worrying whether he will buzz or not…

I enjoyed catching up with him and the few giggles I had but honestly, running after him is something I am past doing. His last ouch has left a deep impression on me, one that no time or giggles will erase.

Anyway, so that’s that, two slippery slopes, one with money, and one with Bear, if I am not careful and don’t remain completely shut off from him I could become very unhappy and stressed again, but I am glad to report that the shut off button is in full working order.

I am not happy today. I wish I could just fly over to America, sit with Danny, share a box of chocolates and hugs galore…

Catch you all next week, I am off home to sleep, only got less than an hour last nite… great innit??

Hugs,

keep safe, keep happy, keep warm

Xxx

I have an addiction o.O

Princess — Wed, 18 Apr 2012 12:12:57 +0000

To yogurt covered banana chips…. Oops, 75grs have 400 calories.. Double Oops..

HELP!!

Interesting week

Princess — Thu, 12 Apr 2012 14:03:45 +0000

Namaste!!

Well, its been a interesting week with some…. interesting developments. But first, lets talk frugality.

So, with the weight loss, I have been in dire need of new trousers, tops I can deal with and have plenty, but trousers its more difficult. So what to do when you are watching your money? Easy. Hit the charity shops and the sales.

Shopping list this week has been, two tops from charity shops, one top is from Next and was new, the other top was M&S and pretty new as well, both bought for £6! And I am wearing one of them now. Both nice and fashionable! But its been difficult for trousers, so I hit the sales. Managed to buy two pairs at half price each! Also, me kinda naughty, but I also bought a summer dress, but wait… I found a flaw, so off I went to the counter and complained, result, they gave me a third off, so dress was £11!! LOL I love this!! I am still getting nice stuff but by using my little grey cells (as Hercule Poirot would say) I am saving big money!

There is just one thing I really would like to get, a pair of coral pink shoes with a bow at the front from Dorothy Perkins… price £30. Yickes and no way! They were on sale the other day, were about £23. I still refused to buy them. This is kinda sad, but every weekend I visit the same shop and put them on… Pre IVA I would have just put them on a credit card… but now its different… I don’t need the shoes, so I can not justify buying them just because I love them (I do, I do!!!)… If I am meant to have those shoes I am sure when the sales start I will find a pair… if not, oh well, it just wasn’t meant to be (yes, I am crying here… LOL)

Money wise, I am still in disbelief but I have been able to squirl some money away to the savings account. Some will be to pay our quarterly bills and some to put aside for emergencies. I told OH about this and his reaction… ‘but we still have no money, we cant afford to pay bills, we have no savings, blah blah blah’… Well, princess over here saw red and I blew my top off with him. I lost it well and truly. His attitude is just downright negative.

So, me now. Its been a painful week. I was diagnosed with a duodenal ulcer and let me tell you, it hurts like crazy. Because of the Lupus I am going in for further investigations (thank you Bupa!). They are suspecting that its my Lupus medicine that’s causing the problem, but I need to take it as I am allergic to all the other Lupus drugs… this is gonna be fun to manage, not. Pain has eased off a bit now so I am a bit happier.

Friends, well, Sooty is all good and doing well, he’s a naughty boy sometimes hehehe… (hi babes!x) Funny how I never ever much to say about him, he is my most stable friendship, no dramas or ouches… and that’s a good thing!

Danny… well, this is where it gets interesting! Right, where to start…. we had a couple of bad days. We both got confused and way too close, too soon, too intense… so we had to put a stop to that and put some boundaries up, and it got complicated while that happened, we nearly lost each other. Now we know where we stand. We are best friends and we luv (note, luv=friendship, love=in love) each other very much. He respects fact that I am married and he knows we have to take it easy. Danny and I had one of the best chats yesterday, we got closer but always aware of how close.

I have had a peek into his mind when it comes to anger and it surprised me at how I was able to calm him down. His dark (and I mean dark) past doesn’t influence him, but was influenced by his own personality, if that makes sense. When he does get a bit grumpy with me I know how to handle him… and so far so good. Like today, I have already told him off and he said sorry… sometimes I swear I am more like a wife to him than a friend!

One thing I will say and I am not ashamed, Danny has a very special place in my heart. He filled an empty space there that was vacated recently…

Bear. Well, nothing much really… (who’s clapping???) There is a small development, I had to send a Blackberry broadcast message yesterday to all my contacts as my phone was being returned to O2 and being replaced, and surprise surprise he sent message back… my jaw hit the floor, I did not expect it, but it was nice to hear from him. So we exchanged a couple of messages, I asked him for help in wiping BB (he’s a BB specialist) and after he helped me, I said thank you and goodbye. End of. So that’s that. He knows where I am if he ever wants to say hello again. Still miss the little menace, but I cant forget the ouch… But I so miss the giggles…

So there you go, another manic week in this princess’s life… I am smiling and I am happy, mostly due to IVA and my Danny.

Blimey peeps, I really am dizzy here… Oops, me thinks I need sugar… chocolate anyone?

Huglesnuggles,

keep safe, keep happy.

Xxx

Fed up and tired

Princess — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 15:26:57 +0000

Hello

So, first payment has been sent off, only 59 more to go… seems like a life time away. We also need to pay now half of my OH overtime… no biggie. I am surprised at the fact we had still some money left at the end of the month, I looked at bank statements and there were £500 of extra payments that came out, car tax, dentist and phone bill. So we are doing good, well, I know we are doing good, OH is still acting as if we are about to lose everything, but a bit more about that another day.

I have used up nearly all the money on my gift certificate (my blog prize), I managed to buy some lovely hair clips, 3 t-shirts that look really nice! Also bought a pair of jeans a size smaller, and they FIT!! All my old clothes are now too large on me… but I won’t go shopping yet, I will save up my money and try to lose more weight, which with all the stress I am going through it wont be difficult.

Its actually been easier to adjust to this kind of life than I though, I am happy with things financially as they are… I have managed to already put a little bit of money aside! To you guys out there thinking about doing this, listen to me, its easier than you think. Its a way to regain control of your life and if you are smart with ur BUDGET while in the IVA you will be OK. My IVA was worth the stress of waiting for the approval… its a scary step I know, but to most of us, its the right one. I fooled myself for years into thinking that we could cope, while getting into deeper and deeper debt…. The IVA has changed my life. For the better financially… as to my personal issues, well, yes I think the IVA has caused me to be very stressed at times and in turn that has affected my friendships, some lost, some gained. It also affected my marriage, not in a positive way, but that’s because we already had on going issues… If anything, the IVA will set me free once it is complete. I will start living again. Alone or not.

So, what’s been happening with me? Well, I am struggling to keep it together some days, but thankfully I have Sooty and Danny. I am suffering continuous Lupus flare ups and now I am losing my hair… go figure!

I am super busy at work, I am spending more and more time here because I don’t want to go home, I have also cancelled my holidays next week as I rather be at work, that way I avoid any arguments (OH is off that week too). Its kinda sad isn’t it? The one place I am suppose to be happy in I am not. I don’t know how to fix it, I do know that I am not happy, and neither is OH. But that’s a problem to be resolved in the future.

Sooty is OK. I saw him a few days ago and as per usual we had a few giggles and that was good. His blog has truly taken off, he has readers form all over the world! We still speak everyday, which to me means a lot.

Danny is surprising me on a almost daily basis. We speak every day, on messenger and on the phone (well almost daily)… he has the most lovely accent and voice ever. He still calls me princess… and I still call him little goat. I just cant believe how kind he is, and how understanding. I told him how upset I was and still am over what Bear did to me and he has been helping me get through it and when I get really down he gives me a butt kick!! I love it when he tells me off, he does it in the sweetest way ever. Never meet anyone like him. He has a very dark past, but the fact that he is OK now just impresses me even more. He is a strong and resilient person. But he also has his flaws, he is the worst wakerupper (made that up myself!!) in the morning, he is really grumpy! But I find it so amusing… he can also get down sometimes because of his regret about where he is in life, but I tell him off and he likes that. Yes… I know… I think the same too…

At the moment things are very good. He is my best friend, my companion, my secret keeper, my counsellor, my psychologist, my funny little goat and my constant source of strength and warmth. I am still weary about this, I am still expecting him to leave like Bear… if that were to happen, I would never again let anyone in my life. He is making everyday a good one. We don’t giggle much at the moment but he makes me happy and that to me is all I want. I had the giggles with Bear and look at where that went…

Bear. its now 9 days since we ended it. I told him that if he ever said hello I would say hello back… but his words still haunt me. “If you want chat we can chat, if not, I wont push for it… ” So hurtful, so cold. So uncaring.

I still miss him very much, not the Bear he was in last few months, but the Bear he was in the beginning. I miss the crazy, the chats and the giggles. I don’t hate him. But I am disappointed on how he proved me right when I told him that one day he would leave me. He is not special after all. He is like everyone else. I was always on his corner, fighting for him, but when it came down to it, instead of doing the same for me at my time of need, he hurt me immensely and then walked away from my life. He has let me down so badly… He broke his promise never to hurt me. What hurts me the most is the realisation that I will never hear from him again, that he has no wish to be in my life…

So that’s me. Still overworked, still stressed, happy and unhappy. Weigh still coming off slowly (YES!!) and still an insane personal life!

See you sometime soon,

Hugs to you, keep safe, keep happy, keep smiling

Xxx

Quick update

Princess — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 12:59:16 +0000

Its finally happened. Bear told me and I quote – “If you want to chat, we can chat. If not, I wont ask for it.”

In other others, if I dont say hello first and initiate chat he wont bother to say Hello like any other friend would. Did I misread this? One more for the book me thinks. Aint it marvellous… kick a dog while hes down, (well, she!) And then just for fun break her heart.

And now to pick up the pieces. Anyone got superglue?

Oh and when I went quiet on Danny just for two days he panicked and contacted me… it turns out his aunt had just died and he was having a hard time. So, even though he is going through a hard time he was concerned about me. Will give Danny another chance. I am about to go call little goat (Danny) to wake him up… Might put a smile on my face… May make me forget the ouch I am going through. Although I doubt it…

One more. And I am still here.